The effect of drinking whiskey in my room seems to do wonders in my ability to add content to my blog. While some posts leave me feeling vulnerable and weird afterwards, it’s a fun means of reflecting and piecing together bits of information.
And tonight my mind focuses back in to it’s own inebriation. This is nowhere near a new topic. I believe Baudelaire did a good job of it when he wrote On Wine and Hashish but I’d like to enter the subject using a more contemporary set of references.
Adam Philips is a psychoanalysis who writes a lot about different qualities of the human experience. This would include works on tickling, being bored, flirtation, sanity, monogamy, and a variety of other wide topics. I am particularly interested, in reference to drunkenness, with his idea of boredom.
We are living in a remarkably busy time where ideas of happiness and success are far out of means of most people. These perceptions; in drives towards celebrity culture, the rich and famous are limiting or unattainable. We hope for something narrow that we’ll never earn. Still people work harder and longer to make gains in what we think we need. Philips remarks that this kind of consumer culture can be very unhealthy. Rather, we should look to give ourselves more empty time, or boredom, to allow ourselves the room to figure out what we really want.
Boredom ultimately becomes a virtue where it previously was seen as a cancer to be excised. For our driven culture I think alcohol and drunkenness has replaced our boredom. We work hard and “play” hard. Drink returns us to a place that removes the sensations of work or stimuli. It is an imposed boredom where the world passes us by without the guilt or demands of work.
Ultimately it is artificial and therefore not as beneficial, but it is a means of prescription. I would love to see some research on this topic, if such a thing exists. Those with mental ailments will often seek drugs, alcohol, nicotine, or even caffeine as a means to balance oneself. However, what of the majority of the population?
Anyone with more to add would be enlightening. Thank you!
Rather than reach out and send (too many) drunken texts to others, I wrote an inebriated email to myself tonight. It goes as follows:
To have one of those moments where everything is questioned. You now see that nothing lasts and that you will have to say goodbye to the things you love. Eventually you will disappear. You will be reduced to nothingness. The world will continue on without you until there is no more world. It will become a desert and it will go away. All is calm, all will be made peaceful. The universe deteriorates until nothing is left. Then, with no more mass, no more time, the great fire starts and rekindles the beginning.
The last few weeks I’ve found myself drifting along an unexpected place. Things have fallen apart in a close relationship that I still don’t fully understand.
So… even though I’m busy with a number of projects I find myself crafting what-if scenarios, trying to scramble and develop ways to cope with absence. The effects of this are bizarre. I keep getting upset and at times I feel paralyzed while other moments this solitude has a deep melancholy beauty. I feel both sick to my stomach and grateful – pairs of opposites dancing together.
I want to tell this person how much they mean to me and do with what little means I have. However, it doesn’t matter how much time I spent with this person, it doesn’t matter what they’ve said in the past. They don’t love me anymore. Perhaps they would again someday, but that’s worthless speculation.
Over the past year I’ve come to realize that the deepest happiness really comes from others. People need to look in someone else’s eyes and feel as if they’re understood – and that they understand the other. It’s very basic but it’s taken me a long time to get to. What happens when there’s no one’s eyes to look in? What kind of meaning can we find? Now that I’ve lost that with someone who had meaning it’s more difficult to assess the value of things. Certainly crafting artwork and having projects creates meaning, though there’s no one to share it with. Things are feeling more flat and diminished.
The worth for myself and the things I do have taken a dive. After a wonderful year I sense a lot of confusion in my direct future. Considering my life has mostly felt confusing this doesn’t make me feel very good.
And I write this publicly, more than anything else, because I am desperate. Just verbally toying with my fucking unhappiness and uncertainty. Sending words into the hole.
Of all of the friends and acquaintances I’ve had in New York I realized today I can organize them in two groups; with projects and without.
This is a different methodology than what is typically considered. It’s not like Jung’s anima-animus, Freud’s id-ego-superego, or Nietzsche’s Dionysus-Apollo. It’s much more simple than that.
A couple days ago I bumped into someone I know, but barely know. They were quick to go elsewhere, seemingly with something to do, but from my mind nothing to show. This person reminded me of experiences with friends who enjoy drinks, being somewhere, and not much else. It might seem like a cruel judgement, though they live a life driven for comfort.
While it’s fun to be with them, most of them never have anything that they hold sacred. They don’t care for things beyond enjoyment. There are no projects.
Now by projects I mean things that hold meaning for someone regardless of ability to receive recognition or compensation. You do something without consideration of profit, fame, or social stimulation. Christopher Hitchens describes writing as his “raison d’être”. These are acts which represent a hidden vital organ and to lose them is to lose yourself.
How many people have this? Fortunately, in New York comes the good with the bad. I happen to know a lot of people with projects. They range from artists like me, to comedy, calligraphy, music, game creation, wine, running, etc. These things are not passing fads, either; they grow and continue along their paths.
What is the point of having a project? To have a project is to be driven by something hidden and strange. From my own experiences it’s to be pulled along on an invisible string. There is no guarantee of reward, but the journey is stimulating. Most importantly these things give meaning to life.
Ultimately it makes me sad to think of those without such a mysterious purpose. Of course I’m presuming that my way of life is somehow better than others. It’s difficult to do something that can be uneasy or show no signs of return. The elitist in me thinks that people should find that unique specialty and run to the end of life with it.
However, really, I want others to share their hardships and joys with me so I may better do so with them.
I watch this and wonder how much my work might just be a series of hunches. I’m looking for a big breakthrough.
It’s been a long time since I’ve made my last post, but that isn’t to say I haven’t been busy. I’ve been creating work whenever possible and trying my best to get ready for graduate school applications (I may have even fallen behind). Rest assured, after January, my output should increase. There are plenty of topics I’ve wanted to write about but no room for follow-through.
Last night I tried my hand at a bit of video work. Above is a short video of me trying to explain my work. It is bumbling at times, but it resonates the points I make about the art. It’s part art piece with reverence to Bas Jan Ader, Andy Warhol, or William Wegman and part informational monologue.
What in your life do you value most? Where do you want to focus? Where do you want your future to lead?
These are the kinds of things that I’ve asked myself over the past week. I work forty hours a week at an office where I’m interested in my work. It keeps me busy, when done well it gives me some sense of value, and allows me to feel safe about my future. However, after a review where my commitment was questioned, I’m looking at some basic things about myself and the expectations of the world around me.
First, a job is rarely a job anymore. There used to be an industrial structure to work. You clocked in at a specific time, you left at a certain time, and you worked efficiently throughout the day. This is the quality of work I apply day-to-day. I have a commitment to my work while I’m there, but I don’t make it my lifestyle choice. This, now than ever, is seen as a disappointment. Your work, in the contemporary world, is supposed to be your passion. It’s your life. One is meant to have gratitude for this work and it doesn’t just function within the confines of 9-5. This new view of work, in whatever form, must get done by whatever means.
This wouldn’t be so hard to swallow if it wasn’t for the artwork you see here. My passion is to make art. The art-design conflict never seemed to me to be a problem, particularly since my art wasn’t lifting off. Now my artwork is gaining momentum. Shows are coming around the corner and even this week I’m taking off from work to prepare for a show.
This is a dual life. I’m trying not to have it be too desperate of a battle. I don’t see it this way, but it has its difficult moments and requires some management. I met with another artist named Julie Torres who has a similar day-job to art gap. She’s made it clear at her job that painting is most important to her. In my corporate environment, it’s much more difficult to make such value judgments to my manager.
Plus, I am no where near making a living off of my art. With every show I lose a lot of money. My day job makes it possible for me to push forward and try more things. The process seems circular. I have a deeper interest in my work because it allows me to invest in so much outside of work.
It’s just a shame that the things I am most moved by may be the thing that costs me the job that supports it.
Unfortunately it seems my computer has gotten a virus which cannot be shaken. At home I cannot get on the internet, run peripherals, etc…
I’m waiting on a fresh copy of Windows which should be arriving Friday. By Friday I should be back up and running.
While I’ve found this event frustrating, it makes me think about some of the plans I had with my computer. AnnaMarie gave me an idea to start running a “how-to” series of videos to do things such as drawing figures, landscapes, still lives. Not having the technology available pushes me harder to think about these things. When I develop these projects I’ll be sure to add them here.
I’ve recently been featured as a Gawker artist. Take a look here:
http://artists.gawker.com/5510868/steven-ketchum
I’ll be having a few pieces in this salon-style art night. Bands will be playing post-baroque music and drinks will be enjoyed.
Le Slowest Friends Artt Nyte v2
What: Concert
Start Time: Saturday, March 20 at 6:00pm
End Time: Sunday, March 21 at 7:00am
Where: 538 Johnson Avenue, Apt. 202.
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